


in which dirk is oblivious and tina saves the day

by wherehefoundtheporcupine



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Bisexual Todd Brotzman, Cinnamon Roll Dirk Gently, Cute, Dirk Gently Being Dirk Gently, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, Fluff, Gay Dirk Gently, M/M, SO MUCH FLUFF, Season 2, Set in s2e04, Tina is an awesome friend, Tina saves the day, adorable Dirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-26 23:37:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15011876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wherehefoundtheporcupine/pseuds/wherehefoundtheporcupine
Summary: Everything's a mess. An interconnected web of mistakes on Dirk's part has culminated in something Very Bad (in his personal opinion) from which his friendship with Todd can never recover. Tina, however, knows how humans work, and she has a bit of drunken advice.[An alternative version of Dirk and Todd's chat in s2e04.]





	in which dirk is oblivious and tina saves the day

"Please Dirk, can you just tell me what's been bothering you?" Todd tried to make Dirk more comfortable by placing a hand on his shoulder, but if anything, it made the situation worse.  
  
Dirk shrugged it off, edging away from his friend. "I'm perfectly fine Todd why on Earth would you think any different?" He was lying through his teeth. He didn't know why because he was a terrible liar, but somehow running away from the truth just one last time was a much more palatable option.  
  
"You know that's bullshit Dirk," Todd sighed. He was trying to lighten the mood. It didn't work. "But in all seriousness, I'm genuinely worried about you bud."  
  
Dirk squirmed uncomfortably in his seat, wringing his hands tightly as they began to sweat. He didn't talk about his feelings as a rule (unless he _absolutely_ had to). There were far too many of them to even begin opening up to Todd because he wouldn't ever stop and he'd end up red faced and sobbing in front of his friend.  
  
Yep. Feelings were off limits. Maybe if he ran away now, he could delay this conversation long enough to find a clue to distract everyone with.  
  
He darted up from the sofa and tried to scramble away, but Todd was too fast for him, and he grabbed Dirk's wrist in a single rapid movement. "Not happening. We're talking about this right now or I'll be forced to trap you on this sofa all night until you do," Todd said sternly but with an overriding tone of _I'm doing this to help you_. "Why have you been acting so weird?"  
  
"Look it's just..." Dirk chewed nervosly on his lip, releasing a shaky breath. "You don't have to be here if you don't want to, you know?"  
  
Todd's brows furrowed in confusion. "What?"  
  
Dirk drew his knees up to his chest and hugged them to his body, focusing his gaze intently on a tiny snag of fabric on the hem of his jeans. This was already getting too much for him, but there was very little he could do to avoid the approaching conversation except wait on the sofa with Todd until one of them starved. In all honesty, it seemed preferable.  
  
"Todd, I've ruined your life. All of this mess... it's my fault and I'm sorry and I wish more than anything that you could go back home and be happy, is that good enough for you?" Dirk tried to get up again, but Todd was there again, hand on his wrist, pulling back to face his own insecurities. The thought of it made him feel sick.  
  
Todd stood up. He almost looked angry and it terrified Dirk beyond belief. "Dirk... look at me, please." Their eyes met slowly as Dirk forced himself to do as his friend said, even though every impulse was screaming _get out of here before you fuck this up_. "Don't ever say that. I am here because I want to be. If I had never let you into my life, I'd still be a depressed, jobless loser, probably living with Amanda because there is no way I could keep paying my rent. And I wouldn't have you as my friend, which is enough in itself to persuade me that this crazy suicide mission was the right decision."  
  
Dirk smiled weakly, and tried his best to stop his lower lip from quivering. "But all I'm doing is getting you in deeper and deeper shit. You and Farah could have laid low in the countryside for a bit but you decided to come after me. Why?"  
  
There was a pause that lasted a few seconds, then more, until it became uncomfortable. The air around them fizzled with tension, thickening until everything was happening in slow motion and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.  
  
And then, Todd Brotzman's shoulders dropped in defeat and he stretched up onto his toes to place a gentle kiss on the corner of Dirk's mouth. "That's why."  
  
Dirk was sure for a moment that he was going to explode. Or throw up. Or collapse. Maybe all three. He opened his mouth for a moment, willing words to emerge that would make any of this remotely okay but nothing would come out.  
  
So he ran, and this time Todd did nothing at all to stop him.  
  
\- - -  
  
Dirk didn't really know how he ended up on the roof. He did weird things when he panicked; one time he panicked in a supermarket and bought seventy lemons. He sat motionlessly, perched on the loose tiling with his head dropping in defeat.  
  
Why did he always do things like this? He could never sustain any kind of relationship and he was too selfish to keep his friends out of danger. He made the excuse in his head that if he hadn't run away from Todd, things would have gotten out of hand far too quickly and it was inevitable that he would have freaked out and run off at some point. Better to do so straight away before feelings got in the way of things, right?  
  
The wind played with his hair and, as the sun began to slip below the horizon, the temperature dropped so that Dirk found himself shivering even with his jacket pulled up around his neck.  
  
_Stupid Dirk. What a way to ruin a friendship._ It was probably just a friendly kiss, he insisted to himself? No one in their right mind would want him. And it would have all been fine if he didn't run off like that. What possible reason could Dirk have had for thinking Todd had romantic intentions? _Stupid, stupid, stupid._  
  
Just a friendly kiss. Just two friends being friendly. Todd probably aimed for the cheek and missed, that's a friendly thing isn't it? He _is_ remarkably short after all.  
  
"Dirk?" He was jolted out of his mind by a voice, Tina's.  
  
He hesitated for a moment, gathering his thoughts. "Yes Tina? I'm just up here I'll be down in a second."  
  
There were a few seconds of silence. "Why the fuck are you on the roof, you tryin' to get yourself killed?"  
  
"Bit of a long story really," Dirk sighed, running one hand through his tangled hair.  
  
He heard the scrape of shoes skidding against gravel and soon Tina was clambering up onto the tiles to join him. "I got all night if you wanna talk, although I'm a bit too drunk to be sittin' on a roof." She planted herself heavily beside him, her shoulder grazing Dirk's.  
  
"It's really nothing Tina, I should go and get some sleep," Dirk said with very little conviction in his voice.  
  
The woman turned to face him for a moment. "Theres no way in hell I dragged my drunk ass onto a roof for you to say it's nothing Dirk. How long've you been hiding up here?"  
  
"Two hours."  
  
She nudged her friend with as much force as she dared given their precarious position. "Is it Todd?" Dirk turned his gaze away from her and fixed it on a very specific tree on the middle distance that was slowly disappearing into the shroud of darkness. "Only... he's been acting really weird all afternoon 'n I suspected you guys might have argued."  
  
They might as well have done, for all the good that Dirk had done messing up their relationship. If anything, an argument would probably be better. Arguing has far more finality and closure, both sides exchanging equally poisonous words. This was different. There was no hatred between him and Todd, the only anger he felt was directed at himself. It had been the opposite of an argument, and yet Dirk had still been sulking about it all afternoon. "We didn't fight Tina, it's fine. It's something else."  
  
She stayed silent for a few moments, carefully deliberating her next words. "D'ya like him?"  
  
Dirk's hands clenched into fists, his nails digging into the skin of his palm as he tried to push down the seething pot of emotions that question brought with it.  
  
"Course I like him Tina, he is my assis-friend after all," he answered, with as much of a light-hearted tone as he could muster, which wasn't very light-hearted at all. Tina didn't respond, but she threw Dirk the strongest _don't act stupid with me_ look that she could and Dirk quickly got the message. "Okay... look I don't know. I haven't really given it much thought."  
  
He _had_. It was all he had been thinking about whilst he had been sitting up on the roof. He hadn't had the will or the heart to change the subject to anything that wasn't Todd-related.  
  
Tina let out a drunken giggle. "You totally have a crush on him Dirk stop lying to yourself," she slurred, "if I'm honest I got that kinda vibe from you both from the off. Thought you were actually dating for a few days."  
  
Dirk smiled sadly. "If only."  
  
"Knew it!" Tina teased, "so, you wanna tell me what happened between you guys?"  
  
Dirk chewed at his lip and inhaled shaking. "He kissed me," He replied, speaking shyly and barely raising his voice beyond a whisper. His answer was met with a shocked silence, so Dirk felt the need to explain himself. "Not properly, just on the corner of my mouth. I think he was being friendly."  
  
When Dirk summoned up the courage to turn to look at Tina, her head was resting in her hands. "Dirk, as much as I love you, that's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard." She spoke as if she was despairing for her friend. "You're telling me all this sulking and being depressed is because the guy you like kissed you? You have _got_ to be kidding me Dirk."  
  
"It does sound a bit silly when you say it like that," he admitted. The mere thought of Todd liking him romantically set off an explosion on nerves inside him, and the idea that they could actually be _together_ if Dirk hadn't run off, even more so.  
  
Tina's wrapped an arm around him as she pulled him towards her so that his head rested on her shoulder. "Look, buddy, I know you're absolutely hopeless at this, but if you don't go down there and talk to Todd you're both gonna end up pining after each other for the rest of the time and I'd be forced to kill myself if I had to watch that."  
  
"How?" Dirk's voice was weak and helpless. He was truly out of his depth now, it he hadn't been before. "How do I know he even likes me?"  
  
"Are you shitting me?"  
  
"No?"  
  
Tina wanted to scream. How could one man be so useless? Sure, Dirk had never been in a romantic relationship before, but as far as she knew, he hadn't been living under a rock for his entire life.  
  
"I know he kissed me, but it all seemed perfectly platonic to me. He could quite easily be have been trying to make me feel better."  
  
Tina combed her fingers through the hair on the back of Dirk's head. "That's just not how it works dude." Her very aura stank of alcohol, so Dirk was not only confused at how she was giving such coherent advice, but also how her limbs had allowed her to climb up to join him. "And, if it helps, I'm getting a strong bisexual vibe off him."  
  
Dirk perked up all of a sudden. "Really? How?"  
  
Tina patted him on the back, releasing her friendly grip on Dirk. "Let's just say, it takes one to know one. And I think you should hurry the heck up and go talk to him before he falls asleep." When Dirk threw her a lost look, she groaned in annoyance. "Just explain to him how you feel. It can't hurt, can it?"  
  
Dirk thanked her and carefully stood up to edge his way downwards to reach the edge of the roof.  
  
"Right Dirk this just ain't going to work I'm absolutely hammered can you come help me?" It was Dirk's turn to throw Tina a mocking look, but he reached up and firmly grabbed her hand to support her worryingly precarious walk down the rooftop.  
  
\- - -  
  
"Todd!" Dirk spoke out softly against the silence as he found his friend sitting on the counter holding an uneaten chocolate bar, his legs swinging to and fro in the motionless air.  
  
"Dirk." There was no happiness in his voice, but Todd's expression was wracked with guilt his eyes met Dirk's fondly.  
  
The room was so silent that Dirk could hear the crickets chirping outside in the darkness, and the single like dangling from the ceiling illuminated the two men with a faint orange glow.  
  
It took all the bravery that Dirk could muster to ask, "can we talk?"  
  
Todd's face immediately filled with guilt and his hands ran through his short hair. "I should have found you earlier to apologise Dirk, honestly. I was stupid and I should have asked you first and I'm really, really sorry." The look I his eyes broke Dirk's heart but he didn't even know where to begin to explain his own feelings.  
  
"No, I... Todd it's not... I didn't mean to..." Dirk's brain was all in a whirl, and none of the words were coming to mind at the right time and in the right order. "I mean I didn't..."  
  
"Dirk?" Todd shifted forwards from the counter, looking confused. Dirk took a few steps forwards to leave only about a good of space between the two of them.  
  
"What I mean is, I d-didn't run away because I was angry at you," Dirk finally blurted out. He took a deep intake of breath before continuing, "and it wasn't because I didn't like it either..." He clenched his fists, his fingernails digging painfully into his palm for what must have been the third or fourth time today. Dirk was quite sure that what he was about to say would be the most difficult thing he had ever had to force out of his throat. He made himself look up at his friend and gulped, before he said, his voice quivering, "what I'm trying to say is that I like you Todd. And I would quite like it if I could kiss you back now."  
  
Todd's mouth opened, then closed, then opened again, before breaking into a grin, dimples burrowing into his face. "I think I'd like that too."  
  
Well, _this_ was an issue. Dirk has never kissed anybody before in his life. His hands danced uncertainly in buzzing space in between them, not knowing where to place them. They can't just hang at his sides, that would make Todd think he wasn't enjoying himself. He froze nervously where he was, his teeth digging into his tongue and furrows appearing in his brow.  
  
Todd's expression softened. He gently took Dirk's hands in his own and placed them on his shoulders, before hooking his fingers through Dirk's belt loops, smiling sweetly.  
  
He couldn't make eye contact with Todd as he leaned in towards him, not that there was much distance to close at that point. Very gently, he placed his lips against Todd's. His stomach felt like it was exploding, but somehow he kept it all under wraps.  
  
It lasted a few seconds before Dirk pulled pack a fraction of a centimetre. "This is the bit where you have to take over, because I have no idea what I'm doing," he breathed against Todd's skin. He heard a small chuckle; Dirk's head was too full of noise and confusion to _really_ hear it.  
  
And in one glorious moment, Todd's hands brushed over Dirk's chest, before they settled at the back of his head, fingers buried deep in Dirk's hair. His heart was pounding faster than it ever had before; not on a case, nor even when he was with Blackwing. He had been shot at and electrocuted and had been on the run from various people for most of his life, but nothing sent more adrenaline coursing through his veins than Todd's hands sitting comfortably on the back of his neck.  
  
His face was pulled down to meet Todd's and their lips came together with not as much force as Dirk had expected. They melted together in the half-light, slotting into place like puzzle pieces. Dirk had never felt something so perfect in his life. He nuzzled into Todd's face as he let the other man kiss him, hoping that at some point his body would stop freaking out enough to try and kiss back. His fingers clutched onto Todd's shirt because _Todd is kissing him. He is kissing Todd. This is the best thing that has ever happened._  
  
A faint clattering broke through the silence. "Todd?" It was Farah; the two of them froze where they stood. "Oh... oh I'm sorry..."  
  
Dirk buried his face into Todd's neck to hide his reddening cheeks. He felt Todd's body vibrate as he said, "don't worry about it Farah. I... we..." Dirk was convinced that he was about to die right there and then.  
  
"You don't need to explain," she replied fondly, "I'll just... go back to bed."  
  
Once her footsteps had receeded into the distance, Todd's arms sank until they were looped around Dirk's waist. "That's going to be one hell of a conversation tomorrow morning," he whispered, to which Dirk responded with a quiet chuckle.  
  
Dirk placed slow, heavy kisses up Todd's neck until he reached a soft patch of skin under his ear which would soon become his absolute favourite place to kiss Todd. "Is this okay? Am I doing it right?" He worried aloud.  
  
"Mhmm. Very right." Todd took one of Dirk's hands and tugged him towards the cells. "But we should go to bed. Got investigating to do tomorrow."  
  
Dirk whined in protest, but allowed Todd to guide him to their bunk with his hands around his assis-(boy?)friend's shoulders, his bare feet shuffling against the cold wooden floor.  
  
He almost collapsed onto Todd when the other man lay onto the bottom bunk, his knees weak and tired. They ended up tangled in the sheets, Dirk's grabby limbs stretching all over the place. Every now and then, he would nuzzle into the crook of Todd's neck and let out a contented sigh.  
  
He had a lot to thank Tina for.

**Author's Note:**

> Soo you guys seemed to like my last Brotzly fic so I made another. I hope they're not too similar but first kiss style fics are my fav idk. I think if I do another one it will be from Todd's PoV just to change shit up.  
> Feel free to comment requests, suggestions or improvements!  
> Also if you haven't already, check out my previous Brotzly fic "a study in unwanted touches" & drop me a comment/kudos if you want.  
> <3 xx  
> P.s. tragically, I cannot take credit for the bit about buying seventy lemons, that goes to the wonderful Joe Lycett from his book Parsnips, Buttered. He is a legend and I love him.


End file.
